Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Modern Day Breakups

Yup, I did it… and over the phone. It was sad, but not really. He wasn’t surprised at all. It was fairly amicable. I figured one of us had to do it. I guess I could have gone on pretending everything was OK, but it wasn’t. We saw each other twice a month. He’s met all my friends, and somehow, I knew I would never meet his friends or family. He didn’t want to travel. He hates Christmas. That was the straw that broke the camels back. When he told me that, I physically felt a little pang in my heart – I just couldn’t figure out if it was for him or for me – maybe both.

People ask why we broke up and there are two major signs that I could no longer ignore: I felt I was doing all the giving – this includes time, energy, affection, you name it. And secondly, I just didn’t feel good about it anymore. He felt otherwise, everything was fine and dandy for him… but I felt a tad lonely and it got worse.

As someone’s girlfriend, I shouldn’t feel that way. I mean, I could miss him, but not knowing when I would see him again is, well…strange and weird. This was not the typical girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. I found myself waiting for my cell phone to ring when he said he was going to call and it never does. When I finally did call him (which I didn’t like to do either), his excuse was always the same: “too busy” or “he just plain forgot.”

I will never understand men. I don’t need to and don’t want to. All I know about men is that when they get hungry, they become mean and impatient… and when they’re horny, complimentary and affectionate. Sometimes, mostly in the beginning, they’ll pour their heart out to you, telling you tales of why their ex-girlfriends left them or had affairs. You find yourself drawn to their openness and vulnerability. Six months later, you completely understand and empathize with the ex-girlfriend. I am disappointed but honestly, more in myself for letting it get this far.

Then it kills me that he want to be friends! Wait a minute… you were not a good boyfriend, but now want to be friends? What does that mean? In my mind’s eye… that’s exactly the relationship we had. I definitely need time; time to chill out, time to spend with family and friends who truly love me – the silly, geeky, wretched, dancing fool.

I look forward to afternoon teas with my girlfriends, to traveling (by myself, no doubt), to big family dinners with all the nieces and nephews breathing life into an old tribal clan. I can’t wait to string lights on a fresh cut tree, put a fire on and sit quietly on the couch and stare at them until I fall asleep. It would have been nice to share that moment with him.

My heart breaks for him… for the love he never got from his birth father. For his internal struggles with himself, his job and the hours he keeps. My friend Rich once called him a “floater” …someone discontented with life in general. I can’t fix that, he’s got to do it for himself. Breaking up with him is a step in the right direction for both of us.

My desire for him is eclipsed only by my wish for his well-being. I will always care for him and the goodness he does have in his heart. I thank God for letting me experience and share in that part of him, even for just a little while.


Blogger Magnus said...

you're completely justified in how you feel, Jenny. I am going through the same thoughts with my ex.

12:55 PM  

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